bahalag magkina-unsa

i will let myself drowned to life's obstacles, this is too much. kung unsa man gani ni ugma then pagbuot nani sa Ginoo tanan this is what He planned for me this is what is written in His book of life. if it is good then i thank you Lord or if bad then i guess myself will drowned to this bad fate i have.

what's in store for me?

1 day to go orientation na namu sa acs, to days to go birthday napud nako, but im much more thrilled sa orientation unya ra na ang birthday i don't see any reason to celebrate it and have some party2x kinda like, unless it will give me a reason to celebrate, i mean that i need to be sure beforehand the acs, still has doubts kung mao na ba jud ni. mixed emotion kaau, excited but i'm holding it back dili ko gusto masuhong, life is so playful my fate is shaking, lots of down times and i don't want it to happen to me again this time because i feel like i'm gonna lose my life. please help. crossing fingers again... don't let me down this time ohhh life... oh God!

i wonder what's in store for me in this company... i wish the best of this.. and i hope everything is in place. i need to pursue this.. i need this so much.. whatever are the challenges i need to take heart, to be calm need to have presence of mind to be strong and firm.

i need to earn a living
i need to get a life
i need to live!

so help me God.

is this it?

i don't need hassles please... it's too much for me to take this time being so preoccupied with life's dilemma, what i need is an easy way out, so if this is it and this is now for real then i wil be so much grateful about it if not and still has a lot of hassles then i will go back wandering where i am hiding and think that God made me so much to be so unlucky. Well, anything goes for tomorrow, i need to be myself need to step up a little and hope that everything goes so well. In case not, then reality is too much to take. sigh again and again

and i quote,

“He who finds himself, loses his misery.” - Matthew Arnold

i should remind myself and better understand the following so as not to be a miserable person, what you feel why you feel and why you behave as you behave or no longer have to behave that way

http://www.selfcreation.com/self.htm
http://www.ecst.csuchico.edu/~yasalde/selfawareness.html

the so called "seven sins"

i took a view from multiply's new customized theme entitled "the seven sins". it hits me like a dart and i learned from it exactly enumerating the so called sins at the header of the page as follows: LUST, SLOTH, ENVY, PRIDE, AVARICE(greediness), GLUTTONY & ANGER. whoooahhh! this is really surreal and i'm about to count how many do i recently have from the most to the least sin. I've got a plenty of sloth, a huge pride, i guess a little of envy, and some anger and some avarice.

now i'm aware i've got 80-90% of these seven sins, i guess i need to let go and refrain from these type of sins, but where and how do i start when all we have is a sinful world full of temptations that pushes us to sin?

choose wellness, have a balanced diet

ASSESMENT
Height: 5'1" or round off to 5'2" (hehehe)
Weight: 45 kgs/ 99-100 lbs
ideal weight is (44.9-55.6kg)
Age: 25 F
BMI: 19.0
Physical Activity: Light
Total Energy Requirement(Calorie per day): 2000 kcal

MY WELLNESS GOAL
* i would like to gain weight by (5 kg) exactly no more no less

THE FOOD PYRAMID



EXERCISE
30 mins. to 1 hour walking

MEAL PLANNING RECOMMENDATION


* 2-3 glasses nido full cream/day
* 1 tsp. oil/sugar
* 1 pc proteins (e.g fish, chicken or 1 match box size pork)
* 1/2 cup vegetables
* 1 pc/slice fruits
* 1 cup camote 2 slice bread 1/2 cup corn 1/2 cup rice 1/2 cup noodles
* 8 glasses of water/day

whatever are these....

i woke up this morning noticing glenn explored again our new bought samsung digi cam guessing that maybe he noticed the big difference of quality between the samsung and sony camera, trying to convinced himself that samsung has the better quality in which obviously sony is much better. yes, after having our sony digi cam before in 2005 which his father bought, i find no other camera better than sony brand compared to our family's canon digi and to our samsung digi right now.

as random things happen i come to think of "maybe we'll buy another digi cam" i opened it up to him but unlike me (an instant buyer) glenn's not. being a person what you called in bisaya (sige2x daun, hala2x daun dili maghuna2x) considering all the facts with all glenn's excuses, made it clear that buying another one is a big NO! but the more i'm being restricted the more i pushed of doing it that in the end leads me in despair, and it did happen. i supposed to prepare him brunch but i didn't not unless he'll buy me one, even though he kept reminding me to cook but he didn't put a weight on it pushing me that would make me think it's my responsibility to prepare food for him because he knew that i would ask and exchange for it (like a new camera) in which affirmatively it's a NO already to him.

i know i'm too much, too much being me. maybe like a criminal a sinner. yes this is so unbecoming, but still can't help it but to shut my mouth in despair. (ngluod-luod pa jud bisag dili sakto bisag walay ikapalit) yes and i know this is not right. well i shut up and trying to compose myself and clear things... isn't it much better? after all these it made me think "nga unta naa palang ko kwarta pagpalit jud ko dili ko mu demand but wala jud ko kwarta, nga unta kung naa pako work naa unta to sa una but due to some fortuitous nawad-an kog work, "but nganu dili manka mu work?" i said to myself secretly... "ang2x nawad.an na og self confidence og gana and all that reasoning... hopefully naa untay work na mudawat na nako oi (specifically my preferred company) and then they'll see my potential og wala nay chi chi burichi pa nga process, kanang dili naka lisud-lisuron og i torture" Yes! with all these things, this really came to mind then and there.

Ironically, after all those mind drifters... someone called me on the phone the same number who used to call me 3 weeks or 2 weeks ago for my final interview that i turned down, ACS company. the company i applied for data entry in which my first interview was conducted by my college classmat, which i don't feel good about it, thinking that it don't went well and i don't think that i really pass as he is like torturing me in the interview letting me realize what an unclear person i am and what a bad employee i was, but even that, i still convince him that if i'll get hired i'll be an asset to the company considering that i'm a fast typist and when i work i'm really particular with the quality and the quantity of work. even though i always get late to work and does absences in which i promise myself secretly that when this company hires me "magtinarung nako" ky this is my last chance and hoping that whatever decisions i made glenn will support all the way not leaving me anywhere or like if he leaves he will surely promise he will always be there for me and supports me.

not so much more....

well yes they called me again and i learned that as we talk the lady doesn't call me for the final interview anymore but for the orientation, in which i'm happy about but to her mistake it saddened me, it was all wrong after all their is no orientation to happen about, i wonder if it is purposely made. as i will recall it for you, i don't respond to their call for final interviews because i don't think i need one because without the final interview and directly to the orientation, i could assure them that i will really work hard for myself and for the company since i need the money (so badly need it), yes that was a mistake invitation "did they do it purposely? just to make it sure nga ako gusto ky dretso na orientation or nanimaws lang sila nako of not going there and responding to there final interview call? ambot wala nako kabalo" but this is so so so ironic, karon pajud nahitabo considering that i'm having a cold war with glenn with that camera thing, that i need the money, the work, and the independence... haayy ka ironic jud.

it's like fate is playing with me or God is playing with me. as much as i hope for this, i'm trying not to, kay ma despair lang ko which leads me nga mawad.an og gana or hope sa kinabuhi. remember! it was a mistake call, i guess they still call me for final interview, i'm not yet clearly hired, they said they'll call me next week for the job offer or maybe namakak sila siguro ila lang ko gipaasa nga manawag sila nya dili diay to or dili diay to job offer but final interview diay to.. nanimaws siguro sila ba, ambot jud wala nako kabalo.

whatever it is....

it's killing me, somewhat excites me, like i'm getting a nervous breakdown, a mild stroke, a heart attack. what the?!! ugggghhhhh. my heart beats fast my mind is thinking things over and over again for this matter. i need to compose myself convincing this is just all nothing.

whatever it is...

maybe i will not settle for anything less as what a friends' advice is. well i just hope that this is it, this is really is it, that if they'll call it's already the job offer for the requirements and not some kind of interviews for qualifying anymore, hoping that my fate will not let me down. but when they call and it happens that it is for final interview? certainly this time i'll go there and i'l do the best that i can do and be the best that i can be so help me God and hopefully hoping for the best outcome and if its not a good outcome? or if they'll turn me down? i guess my life's fate is really like this maybe i'm not that good enough for anybody else and maybe they think i deserve less. This is so depressing, i know i'll say to you Lord "ikaw na bahala oi, i know i'm not a good child siguro i deserve this siguro i don't deserve a chance again anymore in this world." this is... if and when they will call me again nextweek by monday or wednesday as they promised. or maybe if they will not call maybe they just trick me or nanimaws lang sila or maybe dili najud muhatag og other chance si Lord. i know Lord kadaghan na sila nanawag i know chance nato nako but gusto ko sure ball.. well, IKAW na bahala Lord.


anyways.... duhhhhhh!!! whatever are these things bisag unsa oi. kung manawag sila usab maau.. kung dili... "i accept nalang Shiela nga gibinuanggan raka or dili naka tagaan og chance, after nimu sila g.turn down?" kung manawag sila og muingon nga job offer and for requirements? mas maau horah! thank you so so much and thank you so so much Lord. or kung for final interview gani, hala sige go nalang ko bringing the best of everything, kung madawat miracle jud ni Lord and i thank for it, kung dili i should accept nga mao najud ni gihatag nga fate sa akong kinabuhi because i'm not that perfect though and i need to accept nga maybe dili nako tagaan og chance... basta oi...

whatever

whatever

whatever

are these......

a friends advice

out of being depressed still i hangout to a place i used to hangout, that is being in front of a computer browsing through the internet searching what it has to offer just to fill the boredom and enlighten the day. then i noticed that one of my friends is online. so what i did was, i called him at home. we made some chika2x the same nonsense things we talk about like we used to in high school. this person whom i talked to is fund of going out as a matter of fact as we talk, he invites me to go out then and there eat, hangout and talk. due to being lazy i refused, imagine! being lazy caused me of not taking a bath for i guess 3 days. (uh! gross..) but as he beg me irritatingly, well, he made me say yes. i prepared for about 30mins and then right after he came, we went to one of our place's hangout eat and talk. just as he sees that i need someone to talk to, he let me open up myself and my concerns. as i did, this person listened and gave his best advice/s. to summarize all of his advices i need to bullet it below.

* that i need have this self-awareness
* after being aware, i need to make resolutions
* and to stick to my resolutions

As he shares a lot, i realize that he is right guessing that its not the problem that is the problem but the problem is just me. He thinks that i'm not the Shiela that he used to know when we were in our adolescent stage (that because a lot has happened) but he believes that i could become more of what was happening to me right now that i could do better despite of everything. that whatever the criticisms or being not supported by a love one is not a hindrance, because he said if you will let it, then it starts to bring you down and in the end it's still you who will suffer and not them (this is based on his experience) this makes me think that whatever you want in life you need to go for it whatever happens whatever are the criticisms. That whatever happens in the past is in the past and that i should not make it ruin my future as he said. these things i came up to conclude that i most blame others for what happens to me that in the first place i am responsible of my own actions. i know i'm depressed but i need to resolve this! as he said. WAKE UP! WAKE UP SHIELA! you're not just the one with all the problems in the world many are those worst than yours, don't make excuses for yourself WAKE UP! don't let fear of being judge get in the way, maybe you think of it because your somewhat a judgmental person yourself and you sometimes made stupid mistakes but that doesn't mean your a criminal.

this is mind over matter. i need to keep sane and be alive, i need to make resolutions and live.

my relationship tracker

i feel down

site nga gisudlan
my little radio kauban nako always sa pagmuni2x (sponsored by: gts)

nadala pag pa cute samtang gi-boringan
orig face sa gi.boringan. suwang ang saksi


today is sunday, march 8, 2009 supposed to be church day but as usual never been to church for maybe months and there's this 2 celebrations: benneth's 26th birthday and roylyn's baby shower. obviously i'm invited. i don't feel like going there but out of friendship and respect i went there, but almost the whole day i feel down and bored. being there still doesn't wash away my boredom.

much more when i went home... added to my boredom?! irritation and disgust (you know who you are... xoxo... LOL mga taw nga gibitok so suffocating) even when they're gone these negative feelings still remains... duh! alimuot. samok ang balay. labad labad labad and boring boring boring. i hate feeling this way it's soooo laay and mingaw kaau. i'm bored. i want someone or something to cheer me up! huhuhu.. Have u noticed my blog puro negative og sayings to cheer me up. Hopefully next time nindot napud unta ako ibutang dri oi.... Hopefully.

self reminder

NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL, GET DRESSED UP AND SHOW UP! THE BEST IS YET TO COME